well i havent had time to post in a while so here goes
                 i just got back form pennsic war on monday and one of the flaws of  owning your own company  is that all of the shops actions ride no your shoulders. well i come back and there it stands me in the face all the things i went on vacation to avoid. no as far as the trip goes it was wonderful. you never get to do all the things you plan on your vacation but this one i did much more than i planed. adn the things i didntt have time to do ( going to classes ) i really am not upset about .one thing that happened i got to spend some time with E now we are still apart but i did get to spend a fair amount of time with her  and i hope that we will be able to get things worked out .HELL WITH THAT I HOPE FOR MORE THAN JUST WORKED OUT.  the war this year i re connected with a few people i had met before and had a great time hanging out with them. the parties were a little flat this year but i guess that could have just been my perception of them. i did have a chance to meet up with at least one person i didnt really get to know last year that i am glad i had more time to get to know and i really hope our friendship grows. she was a really interesting person and i think she  is really growing right now  shes on a sort of quest to find herself and i like to watch and be slightly involved in that.
               i did something i havent done befoer at this war  i built a vardo to camp in this year and man did it make all the difference  i didnt sleep in it much mind you  but it gave me a firm HOME  that made me feel much more relaxed.f one thing about it is that now i just  want to build more. i hve 1000 ideas running through my head  of things to build and my pages of my current art  pad are filling up rapidly . i dont know if i will even have the same  vardo to camp in next year but it wont be because i havent the ideas to build from . i do know im going to inprove my kitchen.fo r those who havent been around me i LOVE TO  COOK . so the kitchen is going to have to be on the level of a home kitchen if not on the level of a gourmet  kitchen.  ive already gone to the point o getting supplies  to build the next piece. weather the vardo stays or not the kitchen will deffinatley improve. i have a design  that im working on a wash and cook cart. it will fold out to be 8 feet long when open adn be able to have at least the room for 3 people to work side by side. i dont know what person would want to spend time next to me in a kitchen but ill make room anyway. soon as i get  some pics online ill post some of the vardo and the kitchen designs. well there are pics of the vardo on line if you go to the pennsic homes group on yahoo groups  you can look for gravguys vardo  and they will be on there. thats all for now i dont want to shock people into seeing me write.

Not the first album i owned, but the first one i can remember going out to get because " I LIKED IT " .It was Gary Neuman  cars.  now ive since put away my vinyl and out it all into my cds but i still listen to Gary Neuman. i definately fell for the electroinc styles at a young age

      well here goes im 40 years old and i am a little lost  correction im allot lost i guess this is a MID LIFE CRISSIS i go to work each day around 7am and i work pretty hard most of the day and i tell myself to leave by 10 pm but i sometimes slide to 11 or 12  now i have  a relationship  with somone online so i do spend (not waste ) a while each day not working but  talking to this person  now today i was working on a project and a customer had called and told me they were going to have to stop by late ( late to them was 600 ) now i finished withthe customer and i  walked outside to let them out  of the locked gate, and i realized im the only one there the new complex where i have my shop all of the other shop owners leave at arround 5 very rarely any later. although there is a shop where they stay a little later but they start in with the beer around 4 so i guess they are closed at 4  well i decided i would go home right then, it was still daylight and i figured hey ill go do SOMETHING well i found i didnt know what  to do i felt truely LOST  i realy do nothing i work on cars and i look at car stuff but otherwise nada  i cant even think of anything that seems like fun going to bars is right out i dont drink and ive found now i m not just a non drinker im an anti drinker  adn im not just a non smoker im an anti smoker. i used to streetluge and i used to ride bikes but i seem to only rid my bike in my living room  and never go anywhere  about 9 years ago i was in pretty much like i am now i was renting a room in a friends house and i lived well and worked in my shop the house was a party house now i really didnt partake of the partys i really didnt fit in well so i would breeze through but never in the group or party. on thing i did do was go to rocky horror and it was a very regular thing for me. now that i find myself in this mental state i did go back to rocky horror  but i found it wasnt the way it was and the way i fealt about rocky had changed  (i or the people changed i dont know which.well arround that same 8/9 year ago point  i did change i found something to listen to something that introduced me to a whole other world that isnt work  well that part of my life has changed again.  so my question ( to myself )  WHAT TO DO ....work or  take free time and discover that there is nothing but WORK   a friend just told me you should leave work but why ? thats where my life is not at the place i sleep that is called a home
  

i cant decide so i will let you
  ive always have had a real bad temper i hold in my anger till i cant anymore then o blow sometimes at the small stuff  and it is bad enough people around me flinch
 i dont like lies or secrets i hate them enough i will always put it out in the open and force those who are doing these things out int the light
sometimes its the 10,000,000,000 watt lights i drag their sorry asses into 
ok  maybe it tis my temper
 

MOVING 

the box of life not just the stuff you own but the live or how you love it  well i just took my box of life taped  it shut and shook the shit out of it. not really by choice but over the last few moths the box has been getting filled with all those thoughts and emotions, well its not really empty now as much as some of the stuff i packed in is now broken and mixed up with the other stuff .

well the last month ive been moving and when most people think of moving they cringe and run  i had to move an auto parts business  and its a real chore to move truckloads 127 truckloads to be exact   and these were 14 foot commercial  truckloads and i did most of it totaly  alone  and that was a hard trip. the stuff is in or in a storage container at the new shop so the stuff has a home now how to get the shop set up so i can do work, since i havent taken any new money in almost  30 days its just been taking big fucking bites of what savings i did have  hopefully by the weekend ill have everything in and in place

as for my home life its been the same i  also moved it at the same time so my home is all in boxes  im going to worry about that once i start earning  a living again,  some news nthat most of you dont know ive been pushing myself very hard  and that new car i just got i hurt it i ended up falling asleep behind the wheel and taking 2 of the tires out on a cur b im not  hurt and the only real damage was the tires but it gave me a real wake me up in more ways than one one the shock of hitting the curb the realization  that i needed a rest
 

once i get my shit together ill start posting again later all 

My HEART

 well i did i have had a great day actually. amongst  allot of bad days this one has been great . first off a customer that had been a  just an ass  well he came and apologized  for everything and agreed to let me finish  his vehicle. which is a job i actually really enjoy its radical custom job which is something i love. it will be a bitch to finish in the time i have left but i  really think i like the challenge . the next great thing that happened i got allot done work wise in one day. which always makes me happy. the third thing that happened is i  had recently been working with my doctors to get an insulin pump and with a previous problem with scheduling i was told i would have to wait to get an appointment  ant they said almost 4 months  well the doctor i had been working with said that just wont do and had someone call me and made an appointment for  about two and a half  weeks form now WOO HOO  wish is great news its something Ive been wanting for years and now i see  a light to run towards.now this is not the actual pump i still have to go through the two or so months worth of work  with the training practitioner.that to me just made my  FUCKING YEAR now Ive got another goal but i see a light there to but I'm not alone in that one 123 moving is going ok but theres allot of distance till done. but only 13 days left till i have to move

having corned  beef and cabbage and not drinking at all  but you ve got to understand im german not irish

ok it took me this long to get it back together.  now back to the music .
herd this for the first time in a long time. the other times i heard it i never really listened to how strung out he is. wild singing. this song  just heard pieces. and  WA WA WOW   take a nap dude i wonder is his song abut the loss or about the fact that hes really screwed up. when i rememberd this song it was different  i rememberd a love song so i went looking for it now that i see and rehear the lyrics man i dont have the same judgment of the song
Dramarama
New Rose Story
Anything Anything


Oh, gee, what is it tonight?
At least just tell me what the hell is wrong,
Do you want to eat, do you want to sleep, do you want to drown?
Just settle down, settle down, settle down...
I'll give you give candy, give you diamonds, give you pills,
Give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills,
I'll even let you watch the shows you want to see,
Just marry me, marry me, marry me...

I'm so sick of you tonight,
You never stay awake when I get home,
Is something wrong with me, something wrong with you?
I really wish I knew, wish I knew, wish I knew...
I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills,
Give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills,
I even let you watch the shows you want to see,
Because you married me, married me, married me...

When I was young I learned a game,
Where love and happiness were the same,
Now I'm older and I don't play,
I found out the hardest way,
I got wasted, she got mad, called me names and she called her dad,
He got crazy and I did too, wondered what I did to you.
I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills,
Give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills,
I even let you hear the songs I want to sing,
I'll give you anything, anything, anything...
I'll give you anything, anything, anything

just when i thought i had it all figured out. i had a birthday yesterday and i got given a gift from a friend someone who i thought knew me and how i am especially right now not that this friend was tring to hurt me but now i wonder if she has a clue well i just spent the last 12 hours in pain and agony and i just ruined my chances for getting a pump this year . im a diabetic as some of you know ave also been recently dealing with an addiction issue well one of my real problems is cheating on my food intake. if i dont eat right i get real sick. s i Had given myself a strict plan and had been doing very well. its been hard but i have done well at regulating all my intakes of food i ( under regulation ) have been allowing myself deserts they are allowed as long as i regulate and control the intake. well the person in question has told me they wont hang out with me unless i get my health under control well last night (as a birthday gift )they gave me CANDY
not just any candy the one candy ive taken away from myself since when im upset i eat it without thinking i eat it out of an emotional response. not because i taste it or that i need it  i just eat until i cant any longer well i did i ate it then i spent the next 6 hours yelling at the porcelain god. i mean real sick. my sugars are through  the roof. now not just that its candy bt the person who gave it in my life is the one person who takes my emotions and hangs them form the highest tree i mean I LOVE HER  and when im not near her i get a little depressed so the candy instantly became my tool Ive been thinking and i wonder when this person says she wants me better and does the on totally opposite thing does she really CARE.i know she says she loves me THIS COULD HAVE KILLED ME.and I'm very fragile right now emotionally and physically. i consider myself strong i have done allot have gotten myself of the big v and Ive always had great self control but
right now im a wreck im shaking and puking about every houri m bad and scared

a friend of mine sent me this its a question sheet you are sposed to send out to your friends to get to know them better
but dontthey have to know themselves first 

1. What is your occupation? mechanic/ small busness owner
2. What color are your socks right now?  white and grey 2 paqir its cold
3. What are you listening to right now?  !Richard Strauss("Und Morgen Wird Die Sonne Wieder Scheinen"), Song For Voice & Piano
(or Orchestra), Op. 27/4 (TrV 170/4): Morgen!
4. What was the last thing that you ate? blueberry (one blue berry)muffin
5. Can you drive a stick shift?is there another than stick
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? viper green
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my dad
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?  she's twisted but in a good way!
9. How old are you today?  39
10. Favorite drink? alcohol? room temp fresh coca-cola.  Boylans black cherry
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? streetluge if they ever televise it
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes
13. Pets? yup!  OZZY the wonderdog!!
14. Favorite food? steak
15. Last movie you watched?  spiderwick
16. What do you do to vent anger? then:beat something up NOW: remember thae darmas
17. Favorite Day of the year?   july 19
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? my bike
19. What is your favorite, fall or spring? Spring
20. Hugs or kisses?  yes take in it all into yourself
21. Cherry or Blueberry? blueberry
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? yes yell at meif neccicarry
23. Who is most likely to respond? no clue
24. Who is least likely to respond? no idea
25. Current living arrangements?  in limbo between home and work
26. When was the last time you cried? very recently
27. What is on the floor of your closet? no closet
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? jeff well i guess not since kit sent it to me
29. The friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? well theperson who sent me this already sent it to them so im postingitto my live journal
30. Favorite smell? the smell of a spring rain
31. What inspires you? right now E
32. What are you afraid of? fear?
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? cheeseburger with ket,mus ,pic
34. Favorite car? LOL porsche er: vw
35. Favorite cat breed? not a cat fan
36. Number of keys on your key ring? umm..4
37. How many years at your current job? 14
38. Favorite day of the week? Always sundays for breakfast
39. How many states have you lived in? 19
41. Today's date and time: March 12, 2008, 12:57
42. whats the meaning of life? 42?
/

MY HEAD .......

    not much to say today im just having a good day. its been a good day it was one of those that started at midnight  and is just ending now and its 1 am on the next day. and it all seems like a dream  its hard to explain it the great feeling im in right now . .

i listen to pandora now every day adn it comes up with stuff ive never heard. now im not a country music fan but today annother song came on and the lyrics cought  me  and i stopped adn i started  laughing  not because  the song mad me realize how fuckt  the shit ive got going oni wasnt laughing i was crying but all ive got left right now is laughter  it is a typical country song its got everything a country song should ( they loose it all is.the song is by hank willims sr  and the title is everthings ok


Recorded by hank williams, sr.
Words and music by hank williams, sr.

I [g] went to the country - just the other day
To see  my uncle bill and sorta  pass the time away
I asked him how he'd been - since [c] last, I'd passed his way
He rubbed his chin - here's what he had  to say.

"my wife's been sick - the   young'ns, too
And I'm  durn near - down  with the flu
The cow's gone dry - and them hens won't lay
But -  we're still a-livin' - so ever'- thing's okay.

The hogs took the cholera and they've all done died
The bees got mad - and they left the hive
The weevils got the corn and the rain rotted the hay
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

The porch rotted down - that's more expense
The durned old mule - he tore down the fence
The mortgage is due and - I can't pay
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

The cow broke in the field and eat up the beans
The durn rabbits - they got the turnip greens
And my ma-in-law just moved in to stay
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

My land's so poor - so hard and "yeller"

You have to set on a sack of fetilizer to raise an "umbreller"
And it rains out here - nearly ever' day
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

The well's gone dry and I have to tote the water
Up from the spring - about a mile and a quarter
My helper, he quit - for the lack of pay
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

The house it leaks - it needs a new top
When it rains - it wets ever'thing we got
The chimney fell down - just yesterday
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

The corn meals gone and the meat's run out
Got nothin' to kill to put in the smokehouse
The preacher's comin' sunday - to spend the day
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

The canned stuff's spoiled - else the jar's got broke
And all we got left is one old billy goat
We're gonna have a new baby about the first of may
But - we're still a-livin' - so ever'thing's okay.

My crop it rotted - in the ground
I asked for another loan but the banker turned me down
But - we're still a-livin' and we're prayin' for better days
So - after all, ever'thing's in purty good shape."  
EVERYTHINGS OK






WELL  EVERYTHING IS OK    thats all for today

 I  LISTEN TO PANDORA .COM   well i love music but today the beatles song cam e on adn i had to stop working and find the lyrics
they really hit me.  fWho knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime?
If you want me to I will

And if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same

Love you forever, and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
OH, you know I will
I will

do do do do do do do do do

la la la la la la la.


now this week i have a different selection of favorites running  the list

bella fleck
bob james
buddy holley
dick dale
duane eddy
eddie chocran
frank zappa
free design
frank sinatra
garja mahal
harry connick
johnny cash
 man or astro man
my life with the thrill kill cult  ( for the horn riffs)
ramones
sha na na
stray cats
thomas  dolby


stick those into your pandora see what you get  . its also felt warm to me lately  its not its justive decided since i cant do any thing about the wather ill just be happy with anything i can get

it was 8 years ago and i met a girl who was nothing like me.she was new school ( she was a YO ) im old school punk and sculptor . I love the arts and museums . it was  our 2nd time going anywhere and we decided lets drive down to DC and see the sites. i packed a bag and a blanket with a lunch and we drove to DC well its a pretty ok time and we've just finished walking through the Vietnam memorial  and  i say " i love to come to DC  and see the monuments on a regular basis " she turns to me and says "whats a monument" thats the end  of a beautiful .....well whatever

 a friend sent me this its not quite me but it is funny  i didnt fit about half of them  but a few i should underline and send out ill let you guys guess which ones

are you happy? simple question. well when i asked it i didnt get an answer. and
that started the flood of thought. i asked my friend this queston thinking it would
be EASY to answer but it turns out. i don't know how to answer that right now. you know if i
had been asked that question a month ago i would have looked across the room and without
hesitation said YES. but as i look back i cant answer it the same way. something about
hind site it makes life more clear. but looking back can only repair the damage if you
learn from mistakes of the most part I've been blissfully happy. I've walked amongst
the stars for the last eight years. i truly saw myself in the presents of a great soul
now   i saw myself as happy even with those honorable day to day problems.
 ( IE:stresses of work,customers bills and just fuckt up life stuff) now i have had
allot of rally heinous shit in the recent years but iv always thought no mater how
bad today is there is tomorrow. i can deal with the SHIT now knowing the future has
the possibility to hold the greatest in life. maybe i look at life roads you need to
 go down a few dead ends and really rutted toads it feel the good parts more richly.
theres a quote i cant remember where form "you have to hit rock bottom before you
can see the rewards" well i don't think Ive ever truly been at the bottom but Ive been
close enough to touch it. and looking up im ready for the climb.
        another thing from my day  a friend of mine gave me a meditation and thought today
now lately ive been spending time to sit and meditate. well i took their ideas and
teachings into my life and tried them. now i rally don't have a true knowledge of what their
teachings are based on (as much as i know my own ) but i found it helpful it given me a new
teaching that i have only seen a little of. if you have read my other blogs  you will see that
a teaching will never hurt you. its how you use it that can . and i have never tried to learn but
 i have failed in my usage. but isn't that part of learning
    well thats enough for now

ps im triing a new way of editing  hope this work

SOMETIMES  yes i own my own and  have for 14 years. when you own  your work the work you do is part of you. when others judge  it it effects you twice as much. i restore cars so they are art to me i put my heart and soul into these projects.  i have it written on my wall DO YOU LOVE WHAT YOU DRIVE I DO!  thats not as much as i love my car i love theirs too!